As the anger grows

Day 2 since I have been back on this and boy do I need it! I feel as the longer he is gone the more I am unhappy. I get this emotion that I call the deployment mood, where I am sad and full of anger. I get easily pissed off and find my negativity or start running my mouth to someone else who tries and have attitude towards me. I don't like being this person, I like being the person who picks people up when they are sad, or angry, I like being that person who can just smile and to show that I am happy. I still get the smile every once in a while but recently all I do is feel like a clown. Showing that I am happy where the inside I am just depressed, alone, and sad. It's all just a show, and I don't know if anyone see's how unhappy I am other than my husband. But I am not going to tell him it is because I miss him, he already knows that, but can we do anything about that?... NO! We just have to suck it up and move on! When your husband is away you can't talk to him about the negative things, can cause problems because if they go somewhere with that on their mind and end up having to shoot people he could make a mistake because the problem or negative comment you made is all that he thinks about! You can't break and show your husband your broken!! You have to keep glue in your pocket and keep gluing it together until he comes home and he can weld it back together and make you so much stronger! I never really told anyone why I call this blog "The Other Soldiers Heart." I believe the soldier has two hearts, you can take this in two different ways. The first way is he has his heart and then he has his loves heart. Like how my husband has my heart and his heart. The second way is even though his heart is in the military and he is half the world away because of this heart you and him still have the other heart that is full of you and your soldiers love for each other! No matter where your soldier goes or what he does, him and you will always share a heart if you love him! I love my husband so much! He is my heart, he is what carries me through this deployment, he is what makes me happy, he is the light in my darkness. I feel like my world is foggy... I am not in the dark, but I am not in the light, I am in the fog. Some days I feel like I can't breath with out him, like I am suffocating here and the only way for me to put on a oxygen mask is for him to send me a text, call me, or even snap chat me. But what would open my lungs the most is him himself here with me. I don't want to be in this fog, full of anger. How do I change myself while he is gone? How do I keep myself in school if I am not motivated to go to class, where I just want to quit and go find a full time job.? How do I keep myself happy and stay on the volleyball court during practice and not get pissed off n just want to walk out n quit? I don't know what to do with myself anymore. The grass is getting greener, but there is alot of weeds here. I just need help to get out of this anger funk. I need my other heart to keep going... I don't know if being here helps or going to the town that my husband will be in when he comes home..

Have some decisions I need to make,
~Kait

Dreaming....

Hello ALL!!!
       
     Sorry I haven't written all summer, I am finally back at school so I am going to start writing again. My husband is still deployed since April. And today is one of those days where I miss my husband so much that I just want to send myself to him and hug him for a minute because when I am in his arms I know that everything will be alright. You never realize how much people's presents can effect you. Just seeing his smile or his hugs or even the simple words of "I Love You" can change your whole entire day. When they are deployed you realize how much this person means to you even more. You think about them once a day because you don't stop thinking about them at all. I am a college athlete and even times when I am on the court I just picture that he is in the gym or he is going to pop up and surprise me. I know it's just like getting my hopes up, I dream about my coach stopping practice because my husband walks into the gym and I start running as fast as I can into his arm and I start to cry. I want the day he comes home to get here, but all I do is dream. Dream he is there, dream that I am using his muscular arm as my pillow, dreaming that he is taking a shower while I am doing homework, dream of our lives together instead of this distances. But then I wake up... I wake up using a pillow as his arm, waking up to my suite mate taking a shower and not him, waking up to his pictures beside me and not really him, waking up to our love is still there and we are together but his presents isn't. Its our dependents reality when we go through deployments. Our love is so strong that we get through it but we still dream they are there. We have faith and hope that our other half will come home to us and we will all live happily ever after. Faith and Hope is what gets us going some days. I know I am a lucky wife who gets to hear from her husband almost everyday, so I know he is ok, I get to remind him almost every day that he is loved here and that I am not going anywhere! The crazy thing is that he wants updates on what is going on here instead of whats happening over there in a whole different world. The thought is that I am his connection to this wonderful world that soldiers miss when they are fighting for their country. I have to keep things together, I have to make sure house bills are paid for, car payment, everything is on me. I can not mess up, I got to keep it together and not show a sign of weakness.  I know that soon my dreams will all come true and I will be with my husband once again and I will be happy. I will be glowing like a glow in the dark stick in the night. I know that hope and faith will get me to be with my husband once again.

Love, Hope, and Faith
Kait

What is Family suppose to do during deployments??

I had something happened to me couple days ago from one of the in-laws. I am a busy person trying to focus on school and I put myself in a library every day for over 5 hours doing homework relaxing, I am only in my room for lunch and to sleep I don't stay cooped up in my room. When I am in class and someone Facebook me I either ignore it or talk short. Well during spring break there was an article made about my husband, it talked about who his dad is and who is grandfather was... It did not say anything about his mom. Well I didn't send that in I didn't even know it was going to be made, the day it was publish into the newspaper my father sent me a picture of it. And of course I am proud that my husband was in the newspaper so I posted it on Facebook, and it became a huge deal with my husbands mom, grandmother, and aunt. His grandmother sent me a message while I am in class asking me if I know who wrote that I said "Nope" I know I should have said I have no idea. But I'm trying to focus on school and not a newspaper article, the smartest thing to get to the end of it is calling the newspaper place to see who made that part of the newspaper and go from there. If they think I wrote that article do you really think I wouldn't add my name into it as his wife? My father sent it to me I wasn't even in that town! Then I go to my husbands aunt to help my cousins out to get their music out there on the school radio that I am on. And his aunt started questioning me about it, and then started going off about my one word response. I kept my cool before I was going to explode... DOES ANYONE THINK ABOUT ME?????? Does anyone ask me how am I doing? How I am handling the deployment?? They also don't know how I have this blog, and most of them will not know because I don't want my everything out there. The only people who have asked me how I am doing and all is my husbands sister, brother, and his cousins. I am trying to be so strong for my husband but even the strongest people have to break down. I forgive them and I hope they forgive me for that one time short word, "Nope". I don't do it anymore I just ignore it til I get out of class. She has moved on now its time for everyone else to move on. I expect Family to always be there, don't get me wrong I love my new family everyone in it, just wish sometimes things don't happen to make it worse. Just want to be drama free and I know that will never happen where ever you go. Just wish the family was all stress free and happy with everything! But what our problem is that we stress so much about every little thing and I for sure know I am not innocent about it either but I am working on it and I don't show my worry unless it is to certain people everything else is like I am a clown and hide it under my makeup and be funny and happy. I am so tired of acting nice and happy to everyone where sometimes I am so paranoid or angry. When I talk to my husband I am happy and fine, just when days are rough and I haven't talked to him a whole lot I get sometimes emotional. My side of the family and some of my husband side of the family is always there but I am always expecting everyone to be there.

~Kait

"All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way."
-Leo Tolstoy

Was that Good-bye?

Lately I find myself feeling a little lost where I am. I figure that it is part of my husband being deployed and we are so far apart from each other. When I mean was that good bye it wasn't to my husband and not going towards my husband at all.. Two nights ago I had a dream that I met my late grandmother. She raised me to be the person I am today, a respectful person who would never mean to hurt someone. She passed away when I was in 6th grade and I still remember when my mother told me she passed away, it hurt me so bad, and I still miss her today. I wanted her to be here when I graduate from high school, watching me grow in college, be there at my wedding, Be the great grandmother the any child would love to have! but God took her from me. Last weekend I was going through my picture album I have and there was a picture of me n my sisters with her and my mom. I couldn't be more happy than seeing that picture. It hurt me too seeing that picture the person that I looked up to when I was younger, the person who understood me and was always there for me. My best friend when I was young. and now shes gone... In my dream I saw her, and I ran to her hugging her and didn't want to let her go. As my dream carried on, I was looking at a book type of drawing I'm guessing she made, it was like a rock kind of shape and had my name my grandmothers name with my mom and my other sisters names.. and then my mom told me that it is time to go, and  left her and I had to say good bye. Was that a goodbye forever? Was she not going to visit me anymore in my dreams? I don't want her to leave my dreams like that. I was talking to my husband about it but after i told him he had to go... I pray that that wasn't my last goodbye forever because I still need her.... That is what is on my mind for today.. Sorry if its too boring but I thought I could write my thoughts today...

~Kait

"Dreams only have one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely."
-Erma Bombeck

So Much on My MIND Today!

There has been so much things that has happened in the past day. First thing is I hope everyone who reads this keeps the people who were involved in the Boston Marathon Bombing, in your prayers. It is such a sad thing! What is happening to our world? I have heard so many things over the internet for example there is a picture going around on facebook with a little girl who was supporting the people who died in the school shooting. Apparently she had died at that marathon. But fact is she wasn't even at that marathon and people are trying to spread things that aren't true. Why do people do that? I know as a Radio/Television Communication major that you need to have your facts straight before you publish anything! so Why do people do that? It's not helping anyone with this fake stuff going around think about the family who actually lost a child and they see this fake picture. I just recently saw a new one of a little boy who was at the finish line waiting for his dad to get back. I honestly would like to say that one is true because of the picture they showed. There is also a picture of a young lady laying on the ground dead and her boyfriend was suppose to purpose to her when she got to the finish line. I want to believe the picture is true. It's so sad on what is all going around this world. The explosion was exactly on the track, it was on the side line where the crowd was. There was two explosions there and then after hearing all about it the news started saying there was a third explosion at the JFK library/museum. It's just sad, since this is MY blog I think I have the right to say how I feel.. I don't think this is a terrorist attack who would be that dumb to bomb a marathon with over 50 countries being represented? It would just be bad for their parts I honestly think it was someone in America.. sad to say that but it is what I think... I was talking to someone and we were talking about what song would be good to play for this situation. 

What else is on my mind is kind of my own thoughts about what happened to me last night. Last night I had a dream about my late grandmother. She was my best friend ever since I could remember... She stuck up for me, she knew how I felt she can relate to some of my troubles and I could honestly say I could tell her the truth.. It was just weird I was praying that God keeps me strong through this deployment and then when I was sleeping he sent me my grandmother! Today is just a good day because I saw my grandmother who is still my best friend and someone who I truly miss... God has plans for all us we just have to let it happen to us and trust our Lord in what plans he has for us.

~Kait

Part of My Heart is Missing

I apologize for not writing a lot the past couple days, I tried thinking of what to write but nothing came to my mind for a good topic. As the time went by I became some what angry about everything. I decided it wasn't angry I was just not happy with where I am at and who my "friends" are. I am not happy at my college right now I am so happy that school is almost out because I am tired of being in this small town. I miss my husband a lot that I feel like part of my heart is missing. He is in Kuwait, and I know my heart is with him, but I didn't think it will take most of my heart. My happiness has seem like it is fading as the day goes by, I know I have to be strong for my husband but there is just going to be times where you are unhappy in a place full of fake people and a place that you know you will never be at for the rest of your life. My husband always told me, "The grass is not always greener on the other side." I think the grass will be greener when I am with him. It could be raining where I am at, but if he is with me I will dance in the rain. It's crazy how this one person will make you so happy that all you want to do is spend the rest of your life with them. What helps my deployment is every night around 9 I hear from him. I think the best thing any dependent that has their other heart in a different country because of deployment is that my husband talks to me every night.. I couldn't ask for anything else. Lately I have been drawing a blank on what to say on this thing. I think I am done for today because I am speechless. Tomorrow I will start going through the memories that might help others who are going through it right now.

~Kait

What I have with him is worth it. It is worth every lonely night, every tear I cry from missing him, and the pain I feel from not having him close. It is worth it because he is my one and only. When I picture myself years from now, I see only him. No matter how painful distance can be, not having him in my life would be worse.
-Unknown

My Forever Friend...

I read a quote last year called the forever friend, it was a website where anyone can post their favorite quotes or make up their own. This quote was made up by an anonymous person. Here is the quote I found thank you to boardofwisdom.com, "Sometimes in life, you find a special friend. Someone who changes your life just by being part of it. Someone who makes you laugh until you can't stop. Someone who makes you believe that there really is good in the world. Someone who convinces you that there really is an unlocked door just waiting for you to open it. This is forever friendship. When you're down and the world seems dark and empty, your forever friend lifts you up in spirit and makes that dark and empty world suddenly seem bright and full. Your forever friend gets you through the hard times, the sad times and the confused times. If you turn and walk away, your forever friend follows. If you lose your way, your forever friend guides you and cheers you on. Your forever friend hold your hand and tells you that everything is going to be okay. And if you find such a friend, you feel happy and complete because you need not worry. You have a forever friend, and forever has no end." I used some of this in our vows when we got married in February. I love this quote to death the truth is that it is real. Everyone has that forever friend, with me I believe my husband is my forever friend. We both have been through a lot but most of it we got through it together. I know that my husband has shown me that there is a good in this world if you stop worrying about it and get out there and find it. But he doesn't let me go through it alone, he will be there to go through it all together. He is my forever friend, the thing that sucks with this deployment is some of this he can not do. He can't hold my hand and cheer me on to go through the situation together. Today is one of those days that I feel like my day is a little bit dark and empty, but I know that he would help me if he could. Today is one of those days if you do the wrong thing or just act straight up dumb I am going to explode! And when someone ask me if I am okay, I just want to yell and say I just want to get out of here and be with my real family. The thing here is your suppose to meet friends in college and they are suppose to be that friend for the rest of your life, well sometimes it is wrong. I have only one true friend that I have met here, but she left so she can move on with her life. I miss her a lot because she understood me and knew when to make me laugh or when to just chill with me. Everyone else here is friendly but most of them are fakes. My dad always told me this saying... "Friends come and go, but your family is always there." And I know that is right! I would pick my family over these fake people, who think they are your friends, but once you leave they will forget about you, like you forgot about them. I think there is always going to be two forever friends in my life, or any other military wife, fiance, or girlfriend. And that is yourself. Your soldier can't be here always to help you go through the dark because he is part of the reason why you feel like your world is empty because you can't see him, or call/text him whenever you can. You have to rely on yourself to get through all the dark when you have no one else to lean on. And sometimes we take that for granted! We rely on to many people and we don't rely on yourself. I love my husband to death and I am so happy that God gave me him to help me when he can. I know that with me and him forever will have no end. Today is a dark day, but as I write this it seems like I am getting closer to that light to get me through the rest of the day. I think everyone realizes that the lesson in me writing this was that we need to rely on ourselves and not always on our soldiers because in the end whether we realize it or not they actually rely on us. They rely on us to make sure we take care of ourselves, our bills, house, their family, and for most women their children. We don't realize how much they need us when they are gone, so I am going to keep fighting to stay strong for my husband and hope that every military dependent is doing the same while they go through deployment, AIT, or basic. Our other heart should be our strength to get through the darkness, the rainy days, or even through the empty days.

~Kait~

"With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts."
-Eleanor Roosevelt