As the anger grows

Day 2 since I have been back on this and boy do I need it! I feel as the longer he is gone the more I am unhappy. I get this emotion that I call the deployment mood, where I am sad and full of anger. I get easily pissed off and find my negativity or start running my mouth to someone else who tries and have attitude towards me. I don't like being this person, I like being the person who picks people up when they are sad, or angry, I like being that person who can just smile and to show that I am happy. I still get the smile every once in a while but recently all I do is feel like a clown. Showing that I am happy where the inside I am just depressed, alone, and sad. It's all just a show, and I don't know if anyone see's how unhappy I am other than my husband. But I am not going to tell him it is because I miss him, he already knows that, but can we do anything about that?... NO! We just have to suck it up and move on! When your husband is away you can't talk to him about the negative things, can cause problems because if they go somewhere with that on their mind and end up having to shoot people he could make a mistake because the problem or negative comment you made is all that he thinks about! You can't break and show your husband your broken!! You have to keep glue in your pocket and keep gluing it together until he comes home and he can weld it back together and make you so much stronger! I never really told anyone why I call this blog "The Other Soldiers Heart." I believe the soldier has two hearts, you can take this in two different ways. The first way is he has his heart and then he has his loves heart. Like how my husband has my heart and his heart. The second way is even though his heart is in the military and he is half the world away because of this heart you and him still have the other heart that is full of you and your soldiers love for each other! No matter where your soldier goes or what he does, him and you will always share a heart if you love him! I love my husband so much! He is my heart, he is what carries me through this deployment, he is what makes me happy, he is the light in my darkness. I feel like my world is foggy... I am not in the dark, but I am not in the light, I am in the fog. Some days I feel like I can't breath with out him, like I am suffocating here and the only way for me to put on a oxygen mask is for him to send me a text, call me, or even snap chat me. But what would open my lungs the most is him himself here with me. I don't want to be in this fog, full of anger. How do I change myself while he is gone? How do I keep myself in school if I am not motivated to go to class, where I just want to quit and go find a full time job.? How do I keep myself happy and stay on the volleyball court during practice and not get pissed off n just want to walk out n quit? I don't know what to do with myself anymore. The grass is getting greener, but there is alot of weeds here. I just need help to get out of this anger funk. I need my other heart to keep going... I don't know if being here helps or going to the town that my husband will be in when he comes home..

Have some decisions I need to make,
~Kait

Dreaming....

Hello ALL!!!
       
     Sorry I haven't written all summer, I am finally back at school so I am going to start writing again. My husband is still deployed since April. And today is one of those days where I miss my husband so much that I just want to send myself to him and hug him for a minute because when I am in his arms I know that everything will be alright. You never realize how much people's presents can effect you. Just seeing his smile or his hugs or even the simple words of "I Love You" can change your whole entire day. When they are deployed you realize how much this person means to you even more. You think about them once a day because you don't stop thinking about them at all. I am a college athlete and even times when I am on the court I just picture that he is in the gym or he is going to pop up and surprise me. I know it's just like getting my hopes up, I dream about my coach stopping practice because my husband walks into the gym and I start running as fast as I can into his arm and I start to cry. I want the day he comes home to get here, but all I do is dream. Dream he is there, dream that I am using his muscular arm as my pillow, dreaming that he is taking a shower while I am doing homework, dream of our lives together instead of this distances. But then I wake up... I wake up using a pillow as his arm, waking up to my suite mate taking a shower and not him, waking up to his pictures beside me and not really him, waking up to our love is still there and we are together but his presents isn't. Its our dependents reality when we go through deployments. Our love is so strong that we get through it but we still dream they are there. We have faith and hope that our other half will come home to us and we will all live happily ever after. Faith and Hope is what gets us going some days. I know I am a lucky wife who gets to hear from her husband almost everyday, so I know he is ok, I get to remind him almost every day that he is loved here and that I am not going anywhere! The crazy thing is that he wants updates on what is going on here instead of whats happening over there in a whole different world. The thought is that I am his connection to this wonderful world that soldiers miss when they are fighting for their country. I have to keep things together, I have to make sure house bills are paid for, car payment, everything is on me. I can not mess up, I got to keep it together and not show a sign of weakness.  I know that soon my dreams will all come true and I will be with my husband once again and I will be happy. I will be glowing like a glow in the dark stick in the night. I know that hope and faith will get me to be with my husband once again.

Love, Hope, and Faith
Kait